The Varia's Daily Diary
by Plastic Petals
Summary: Ushishishi, hello peasant. Before reading, the prince is forced to warn you about the mind-fuckery that may come.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Just a random idea that hit me. Mostly just random crap xD FORGIVE MY FAIL HUMOUR.**

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><p><em>Daily Diary<em>

Lussuria giggled as he whipped out his signature pink gel pen from who-knows-where and scripted 'The Varia's' above 'Daily Diary' in his elegant cursive writing. He held the pen to his face, "Perfect~!"

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><p><strong>The Varia's Daily Diary<strong>

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><p><strong>Entry 1:<strong>

_The Diary That Brings Happiness To All_

_25 January~_

**_._**

Dear diary, today's the day I told the rest of my babies about you!

"Squ-chan~! Get down here, and remember to bring Bossu! I have an announcement to make!"

I heard Squ-chan grunt from upstairs (My, he really DOES have a loud voice) and he yelled back at me, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? AND THIS BETTER BE IMPORTANT!" Forgive me for writing in capitals, but I really _must _emphasize on Squ-chan's ear-shattering voice. It's lovely, really.

"It is, it is! Bel-chan and the others are already here!"

"Ushishishi~ Shut up, peasant."

"KYA!", I squealed as I dodged one of Bel-chan's oddly shaped knives, "Mou, Bel-chan!"

"Don't pout. It's disgusting."

"Fraaaaaan-chaaaan~!", I whimpered, diving for the youngest member, "Don't call Mama 'disgusting'!"

His response were merely muffles. Oh, my.

"Ushishishi~ Stop suffocating the frog. The other peasant and Boss have arrived~"

I immediately let go of Fran and turned to Squ-chan and Bossu.

"Squ-cha-"

I never got to hug him, though. Bossu whipped out his scary X-guns and aimed them right at me.

"Trash, get on with it before I kill you."

"Eep!", I gasped, then continued, "Why, of course~!"

I dug through my pocket and fished out a nice, white book which had the words 'The Varia's Daily Diary' printed on the cover. "This would be it~!"

Bossu got this really scary look on his face then.

"Is this a joke, trash?"

"Mou, I NEVER joke!", I said, pouting, "Keeping a daily diary's important!"

"Ushishishi~ Gay."

"It is NOT!", I shouted, pouting some more, "It really _IS_ important. Let me tell you why~"

Squlo swore under his breath and flopped down onto the couch. I heard him mutter something about '_this is gonna take a while..._' Oh my, it's the first time he hasn't shouted! I am so proud.

"Obviously, we're not gonna be here forever...", I started ,"Except Bossu, 'cause he's immortal", I added as an afterthought, earning a glare from said Bossu.

"So, we should have something that will steer the NEW Varia in the right direction!", I continued, waving my hands for added effect, "And THAT'S when it hit me! We needed a daily diary~!"

"VOIII! WHAT THE HELL DOES A FUCKING DIARY HAVE TO DO WITH GUIDING THE NEW VARIA?", Squ-chan burst, jumping off the couch. I swear, he looked _this_ close to strangling me.

"S-Squ-chan! It has EVERYTHING to do with guiding the new Varia! For one, it'll tell them all about what we do in the Varia~!", I shouted back, defending my dear diary.

"OH YEAH? WE COULD JUST WRITE DOWN ALL THE FUCKING DUTIES ON A MEMOPAD AND HAND IT TO THEM WHEN THEY COME, DAMN IT!"

"Mou, but that's different! You won't get that warm, fuzzy feeling!"

"THAT'S FUCKING GAY!"

"All of you. Shut. The. _Fuck_. Up."

We all quickly silenced ourselves; when Bossu gets in a bad mood, the wisest thing to do is obey.

"If the Gay Lord wants to keep a _BLOODY_ diary, let him. But I'm not going to be a part of this shit. Understood?"

We all quickly nodded, some more reluctant than others, and Bossu marched back to his room.

"Tch... Damn boss...", Squalo muttered, glaring at the spot where Bossu had been.

"So it's settled then~!", I announced, clasping my hands together. "Tomorrow will be someone else's turn to write an entry~!"

And before I got to choose the next person, they all ran away. Oh, poo.

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><p><strong>End of Entry 1. Tell me who you think should write Entry 2 xD And if it wasn't obvious enough, I own nothing.<strong>

**Special thanks to **_ShiroiSuna_** for pointing out my mistakes! I'm sorry I couldn't really fix the 'gay' problem but I'll make sure I use it at a minimum.**

**-Plastic Petals.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate all of them! –hands cookies- Sorry if this chapter wasn't what you expected.**

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><p>"Mou, Fran-chan! Just do it! It can be anything~!"<p>

"Anything?", the green-haired boy lit up slightly (though still remaining stoic).

"Yup! Anything you feel like writing!", Lussuria confirmed, smiling.

Oh, what a huge mistake that was.

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><p><strong>The Varia's Daily Diary<strong>

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><p><strong>Entry 2:<strong>

How to annoy the Varia members.

28th Jan.

**.**

I'm writing this entry because I want to teach you, _the future Varia_, something useful. And not because I was threatened. With rape. I swear.

Moving on, I am about to teach you something of grave importance which may lead you to the right path in life –ways to annoy the Varia members.

Though I'm not sure if they'd last that long, it's better to be safe than sorry.

Warning: Doing any of the following may/will result in death.

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><p><strong>Boss<strong> – Not recommended. I didn't do a thing to him. If you do try, you'd either become a legend _or_ a pile of ashes.

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><p><strong>Levi<strong> –_ Easy target. Go with something 'Bossu'-related._

"Hey, Moustache-senpai", I greeted in my usual monotone, walking up to him.

"What, brat?"

"I've got news from Boss."

"F-From _Bossu_?"

I could literally feel the sparkles around him. Freaky.

"Yeah."

Cue awkward silence.

"Aren't you gonna tell me what it is?"

"What?"

"The news!"

"What news?"

"The news from Bossu!"

"Oh."

Cue more awkward silence.

"TELL ME ALREADY!"

"Boss is getting married."

...

Let's just say the rest of the week was relatively… _interesting_.

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><p><strong>Squalo<strong> – _Just as easy of a target as Levi, but much more dangerous. Try something hair-related, and make sure you're out of stabbing range._

"Long-haired commander", I called from the other side of the bathroom door.

'VOII! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

"What're you doing?"

"I'M IN THE TOILET, DAMN IT!"

"Yeah, but what're you doing?"

"WHY THE HELL IS IT _YOUR _BUSINESS?"

"Oh, you're washing your hair."

"HELL NO! NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE!"

"Don't lie, commander."

"VOII! I'M NOT LYING, DAMN IT!"

"Sure."

Apparently, he didn't get my sarcasm and just remained silent.

"Hey, commander."

"YOU'RE STILL THERE?"

"Do you use Sunsilk?"

…

Something I learned from that experience: Commander's sword can stab through doors.

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><p><strong>Belphegor<strong> – _Easy target, but not recommended. Fake-prince-senpai already stabs people before they even say anything. If you feel suicidal, go ahead and try something crown-related._

"Senpai", I started, entering the lounge.

"Ushishishi~ What do you want, Froggy?"

"Why do you wear a tiara?"

_Crack._

Senpai broke the TV remote he was holding. Uh-oh, not a good sign.

"Ushishishi~ What did the Frog just say?"

Risking my life, I lifted my index finger and pointed at his 'crown', "Tiara. 'Nuff said."

Now, I'm really glad I'm a fast runner.

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><p><strong>Lussuria<strong> – _'Mother' (will also respond to 'Mama' or 'Luss-nee') of the Varia. Rather hard to annoy. Try something. _Anything_._

I didn't really plan this one out. I was walking to the lounge when I saw Luss in the kitchen.

"Senpai", I started, "What'cha doin'?"

"Ohh~! Why, hello there, Fran-chan!", he greeted, dropping his bowl of _something_ while rushing to me.

He glomped me (which scars me to this day) and continued, "I was just cooking a lil' something for dinner! Would you like to help?"

"Sure."

He brought me to the table and asked me to help peel some onions while he prepared everything else.

I picked up one of the round onions while thinking of a way to annoy him.

Suddenly, it hit me.

Or it hit _him_, to be exact.

I threw the onion at the poor sap.

"O-ow!", Lussuria yelped, turning to me.

"I'm sorry. My hand slipped."

"It's okay~! Accidents happen!"

I could feel myself smirk.

I threw it at him again.

And again.

And again. –You get the picture.

"F-Fran-chan! I think you should leave…"

He wasn't exactly annoyed, but at least I didn't have to peel onions.

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><p><strong>Fran<strong> – You can't annoy me. My heart's made of stone.

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><p>Troll. Pretty much my whole identity. That is all.<p>

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><p><strong>End of Entry 2. Tell me who you think should write Entry 3! :] <strong>

**Special thanks to **_ShiroiSuna_** for pointing out my mistakes! (By the way, I just noticed I forgot about Levi in chapter 1 8D)**

**-Plastic Petals.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! –glomps- Sorry for the SUPER late update, Happy Belated Valentine's (like REALLYYY belated)!**

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><p>Amongst the pink rubble and ripped hearts, Belphegor noticed something that extremely (see what I did there, Ryohei?) stood out –a single white book, the Varia's daily diary.<p>

"Ushishishi~"

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><p><strong>The Varia's Daily Diary<strong>

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><p><strong>Entry 3:<strong>

_Valentino Day_

_14__th __March_

**.**

Ushishishi, hello, peasant. You've heard of that day where peasants confess to more attractive peasants, right? Valentino... Versace? Something like that. The prince doesn't really care.

It's supposed to happen on the 14th of February. The prince knows this because he is a genius, and not because he cares.

However, a certain peacock decided that this celebration would be a _great_ way to help the Varia bond.

It all started this morning.

"Gather round, children~!", the she-male called, waving his hands together.

"Say that again and I'll kill you", Boss glared, "Trash."

"Ohohoho, sorry Bossu~!"

Boss somehow got even _MORE_ irritated and had to use all his willpower to stop himself from stabbing the peacock with his butter knife.

"Anyhoo, the reason as to why I've called you all here is…."

"_VALENTINE'S DAY_!"

No response.

The prince heard froggy mumble something like, "I knew it had to be something like that…"

"Trash…"

"VOIII! WHAT THE HELL?"

"You wasted Bossu's time!"

"Ushishishi~"

As you can tell, we all had the same reaction. Mostly.

"Mou! You guys _never_ like my ideas!", the peacock pouted.

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR IDEAS ARE ALWAYS STUPID!", Sharkie yelled, as usual.

"For the first time, long-haired commander's got a point."

"Non, non!", Luss said, shaking a finger, "This celebration has a strong point! It'll help us all bond and get to know each other~! Ehe..."

"I'm leaving before I kill you."

And with that, Boss took his leave, followed by a cursing Sharkie.

The lightning idiot tried to leave too, but Luss grabbed onto his collar and nearly choked him.

"Shhhh!", the feminine man held a finger to his lips, "Now that they're gone, I have the _REAL_ topic to discuss."

At this, we all raised our eyebrows.

Technically, just Levi.

You can't see the prince's gorgeous eyes and froggy's emotionless anyway.

"You see, I want to plan something completely lovey-dovey for Bossu and Squ-chan!", Luss whisper-squealed.

This time, Levi face-planted, the prince ushishishi-ed and froggy remained the same.

"W-w-_why_ would you want to do something like _that_?", the lightning idiot shout-whispered.

"BECAUSE!", Luss started, "They're in LOVE!"

"And what would make you think that _Bossu_ is gay?"

"_EVERYTHING!_"

That time, the peacock really DID shout.

But for some reason, we didn't hear a "SHUT THE FUCK UP, TRASH!" or a "VOIIII!"

All we heard were moans. And grunts.

Luss' face went extremely red, "Ehehehe! See, see? They're at it again~!"

"Ushishishi, do you mean what I think you mean?"

"They're making love~!", the peacock put on a dreamy face.

I let out a big frown, "That wasn't what the prince was thinking at all…"

"Disgusting", was all froggy said.

"Don't you see it?", Luss began, "They've been together for who-knows-how-long, they're always together at night _ANDDDDD_ they're completely S and M!"

The lightning idiot chocked on his own spit and looked like he'd lost all reason for living.

"The only problem is that they won't admit their feelings for each other…", he pouted, "Which is where we come in!"

"We'll throw them a surprise Valentine's party!"

"Valentine's Day has passed already", froggy said, bored as ever.

Luss pouted, "I know… But I just got the idea today, so it's perfectly fine!"

"Ushishishi, sounds fun~"

"You sound like a pervert, Bel-senpai."

"Shut up", the prince said, throwing knives at the stupid-looking frog.

"Hehehe~!", Luss giggled, "So it's settled! I'll call it 'Operation: Get Squ-chan and Bossu together with a super lovey-dovey Valentine's Day surprise party'!"

"_OGSABTWSLDVDSP_ for short."

And that was when it all started.

We hung pink ribbons, streamers, banners, balloons, plastic hearts and pretty much every other kind of decoration your peasantly mind can think of. The Varia lounge was completely transformed into some teenage girl's fantasy world.

Levi said he was completely against the whole thing, but it's probably because he's in love with Boss.

"Okies, I think we're done~!", Luss announced, clasping his hands together.

The peacock inspected the whole area and smiled creepily to himself, "They'll love it~"

"Shishishi, they'll love it, all right."

"Squ-chan, Bossu~ Come down quick!", he called.

We stood there awkwardly, waiting for a response –other than muffled moans.

"VOIIII! WHAT THE HELL IS IT THIS TIME?"

"Something utterly important~!", Luss could hardly contain his squeal, "It'll benefit both you _AND_ Bossu!"

"Fucking trash… This better be good…"

In a couple of minutes, Boss and Sharkie were down, both in suspiciously messy renditions of their uniforms. Which of course made the gay lord squeal his feminine heart out.

"VOIIII! Quit doing that!", commander yelled, covering his ears. Now he knows how _we_ feel.

"Ehe~", Luss giggled, "Take a look around you. Do you notice anything different?"

At this, both of them snapped to attention and looked around the room. The two looked more and more horrified with each passing moment.

Even when they saw the banner.

_Especially_ when they saw the banner.

A certain banner that a certain peacock made which read: '_SQU AND BOSSU – HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! HOPE YOU HAVE FUN TONIGHT_.'

The innuendo there is just pathetic.

Boss clenched his fists and whipped out his X-guns.

Sharkie unsheathed his sword.

"What exactly are you trying to say, trash?"

"Voi, 'the hell is this?"

"Ehehehe~ Don't you like it?"

"What's there to like?", froggy added helpfully.

"Mou!", Luss pouted, "I'm just trying to get both of them to express their feelings…"

"WHAT THE FUCK?", the two of them shouted in unison.

"W-what?", the peacock shouted back at them, "It's pretty clear that the two of you have the hots for each other! I mean, come _ON_! The two of you are always together, you're always-"

Boss stopped Luss' fangirling with a bullet to his head.

"KYAAAAAAAHH!", Luss flew to the other side of the room, miraculously still alive.

You can guess what happened next. The whole room turned into a war zone. It wasn't exactly fair, having two very angry people versus a very disappointed peacock.

"This is pretty funny", froggy mused, watching the fight.

"You're a sick, sick person."

"So are you, senpai. So are you."

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><p><strong>End of Entry 3. Tell me who you think should write the next entry! Sorry for the super long hiatus!<strong>

**-Plastic Petals.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I love you guys -33 Anyway, sorry for the long wait! Warning: Squalo Superbi.**

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><p>"VOIIII! GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!"<p>

"Not until you do it~"

"Why the _HELL_ would I give you a fucking bubble bath?"

"Mou… Fine, just write the next diary entry~!"

"Tch… Fucking fag and his needs."

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><p><strong>The Varia's Daily Diary<strong>

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><p><strong>Entry 4: <strong>

_MISSION LOG._

_1.5.2012._

**.**

Greetings future Varia. I am Squalo Superbi. I am the commander. As in I am your fucking boss so don't you dare say a thing about my hair.

First and foremost, you must know that the Varia is an independent assassination squad full of _FUCKING IDIOTS_ WHO JUST _FUCK AROUND ALL DAY_ WITHOUT DOING THEIR _FUCKING JOBS_ with the exception of me, the responsible one.

I've read through all the entries and have been tempted to burn them. They all have three similar flaws:

1. They have nothing to do with the Varia.

2. They portray me as a commander who shouts 'VOI' for no reason which I sure as _fuck_ am NOT.

3. THEY MAKE THE VARIA LOOK STUPID.

Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to tell you something that might actually be of use.

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><p><em>MISSION PROTOCOL:<em>

_EXCERPT OF MISSION LOG OF TODAY:_

_0400 hours; Varia base._

This is the time we have set to get up. Get up any later and you'll have your ass kicked to Japan.

"VOIIII! IT'S TIME TO GET UP!", I said calmly as I kicked open the enormous wooden door to Lussuria's room. I expected a girly "Of course, Squ~!" or something like that, but instead was met with silence.

And you do _not_ ignore the commander.

"VOIII! LUSSURIA, I SWEAR, IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR SORRY ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW, I'M GO-"

The gay lord ran right up to me, encasing me in a bone-crushing embrace. I barely managed to choke out the words "fuck off" in the man's bear hug.

Lussuria let go of me with what I assumed was a pout. I was about to tell him it was time to get up when I noticed something wrong. Something _very_ wrong. Something so wrong it shouldn't be passed down to the future Varia…. However, I'm going to inform you anyway.

Lussuria slept naked.

_._

_0700 hours; Varia base._

Everyone is gathered at the longue to get their respective missions.

"Has anyone seen Xanxus? He's the fucking boss and he's late! _AGAIN_!", I yelled, turning to face the remaining members of the Varia while pacing back and forth.

The other members gathered just seemed nonchalant and merely ignored my question. I could feel my blood boiling and it took all of my willpower not to toss some very expensive pieces of furniture into their smug faces.

"VOIII! I ASKED YOU BRATS A QUESTION!"

"Shishishi, the prince doesn't listen to peasants."

"I only answer to Bossu!"

"You didn't ask, you screamed, long haired commander."

"Squ-chan~ Calm down!"

I felt my eyebrow twitch. I slowly wondered why I decided to work in this sorry excuse of an assassination squad.

"Fine, whatever! I'll just give you all the fucking missions so we can go on with life!", I finally gave in, not wanting to raise my blood pressure more.

I fished out a small, crumpled piece of paper and passed it around the group, telling them to look for their names and respective missions. When the paper made a return to my hands, I noticed that some of them had written on it. I cocked an eyebrow and read:

MISSIONS FOR 1ST OF MAY:

Lussuria & Levi-a-than: Infiltration of the Asseno Family's base in Paris, France.

_Mou~ Infiltrations are boring! xoxo, L_

_I WANT A MISSION WITH BOSSU. –L_

Belphegor & Fran: Assassination of Pierre Miagro. Location unknown. Probably somewhere in Italy.

_Ushishishi~ Don't blame me if I kill every Pierre I meet, then. –the prince_

_Great. You've paired me with the insane fake prince senpai again. –F._

Squalo: Do some damage control for everyone else's inevitable mess ups. Search for Xanxus. Yell at him for skipping every meeting we've had. Go back to the Varia base and prepare missions for tomorrow. Rant about how unfair life is.

_You sound like an angsty house wife. –F._

_._

_1700 hours; Varia base._

Everyone returns from their missions, all looking beat up and pathetic. As the commander, it is my job to collect reports on their missions. (My mission of finding Xanxus ended in failure.)

"Lussuria, Levi! Reports!", I shouted when I noticed them making their way into the Varia base.

"Mou~ Squ-chan! Have mercy on us!", Lussuria pouted, "We're so overworked!"

Levi was quick to agree with his partner, "Yeah! You have no idea how dangerous Chihuahuas are!"

I was about to retort when I did a double-take. "Chihuahuas? You mean to say that _this_", I gestured to their bloody state, "was caused by some fucking _Chihuahuas_?"

"They are dangerous creatures", Lussuria said solemnly, shaking his head.

I quietly counted down from ten under my breath and simply walked pass them to go find Bel and Fran.

I quickly found them in the longue, Bel grinning ear-to-ear as usual and Fran pulling out one of the blonde's knives from his back.

"The two of you, reports!"

"Senpai killed fifty Pierres and a Paul."

"Did he kill Pierre Miagro?", I asked, scrunching my eyebrows.

"Dunno. He never gave them a chance to introduce themselves properly", Fran replied monotonously.

"Ushishishi, the prince doesn't listen to peasants."

I could feel my hand inching to my sword, but I took control of myself and counted down again, taking deep breaths.

I slowly dragged my feet to my room, locked the door and slowly reflected on my life thus far.

_._

_1900 hours; Varia dining hall._

We have dinner at 7, sharp. We all eat graciously and professionally. Most of the time.

"Bossu~! Manners matter, and your manners are terrible!", Lussuria chided, wagging a manicured finger. Xanxus didn't even seem to notice the man.

Unsurprisingly, the Boss himself made a reappearance during dinner. He was seated at his usual spot on the long, impressive dining table, already devouring his large meal.

"Bel-chan, stop stabbing your meal!", Lussuria chided, before adding, "No, you can't stab Frannie either! He's pretty much your meal anyway."

"Kinky", was the only word that escaped Fran's mouth.

"Levi-chan! Stop eye-raping Bossu~! Sexy things give him gas, you know that!", the gay lord continued, trying his best to stop the obsessed Levi.

I sighed and angrily chewed on my meal, taking out my infinite problems on the sorry piece of meat.

_._

_2200 hours; Varia base._

Curfew time. Do not ever break it. I will be watching.

THAT IS ALL. THIS IS THE COMPLETE LOG OF 1ST OF MAY. THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A VARIA, SO PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR LIFE BEFORE JOINING. THANK YOU.

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><p><strong>End of Entry 4. <strong>_Sorry, but __**Xanxus **__will __**not be writing any entries**__. I already have plans for him so please do not request for him as it will be much too OOC for him (though this is a crack fic)._

**Tell me who you'd like to write Entry 5 ;D**

**-Plastic Petals.**


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